March 24th, 2010
I forgot that I have a regular place to post things that I think and feel and know. So here I am, months later, and how am I doing? Well in this picture I was quite happy with my sweet Marcus. We were out at Baker Beach in SF and it was a glorious spring day. Marcus was being kind of wishy washy with my about coming out there and I had not even invited him. I was feeling rather frustrated with him and the situation and was kind of thinking about toning things down as I have felt a bit disillusioned with things as they are have been. But then he showed up anyway and we had a lovely few hours out there at Baker Beach. And I really like this picture even thought it only shows part of both of us. But we both look super happy and content. and we were naked, and I feel really comfortable around my sweet Marcus.
I really with things were different than they were. I really wish that I felt differently about the situation, more accepting. I wish I didn’t want more than what the situation could offer. I wish that I was just content with what was. There are moments when I am but also moments of discontent. Alas, that is how it is with my sweet Marcus. Oh but i am so attracted to him and his physical beauty. I am also really attracted to his personality. I like how kind and sweet he is. A bit naive, and a bit grown up. I like us together, how sweet and loving that we have always been. I also like the grrrr factor that we have sexually. I really love that. I wish that we had more time to explore each other sexually. I wish we had more time.
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October 29th, 2009
I see you. I see me, I see everything. I am such an intuitive person that I can see even the things I don’t want to see. This makes me a visionary even. I see this as an art and a science only I cannot necessarily control it. Currently, in my own life, I like what I am seeing. I like the things that I am choosing. I like the people that I am connecting with. I like how I am around this all, the constant state of flux in my life.
I think the only downside of being so adept at seeing things is when you can see the negativity and the possible outcomes that you might not like. Currently one of my goals is to pay heed to this aspect, to not allow myself to ‘go for’ the things that are simultaneously giving me messages such as, ‘this is not good for you Leslie’. Lord knows i have done that enough in my life.
Getting involved with W was a prime example. and J before that. I knew that these relationships would never satisfy me in the long run, ever. But I did them, was complicit in participating in them. I was wearing blinders to the visionary part of myself. I was being unfair to myself. Right now what I do like is that I am in conversation (you might say) with myself. In a rather constructive on-going dialogue where I am willing to ask myself the hard questions. Willing to let go of things that are screaming out with red flags waving all around. I also have my Ling, my wonder woman, to report to, to get feedback from, to see if I am missing the mark in anyway. To challenge what I seem to think about/know is real.
I am very happy these days, in company of others and on my own.
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August 20th, 2009
I have to report good things! It is a good day.
I got the alcohol injection on Tuesday, it is now Thursday. I am feeling things. But one of the things I am NOT feeling is pain. I am not in pain. This is remarkable. I am grateful to this relatively new procedure. I am grateful to my body for accepting it. Like I said, I do feel the nerve weirdness at moments. Mostly when I have been off my foot for awhile and then get back on it. But I will take that any day over the other kind of feelings. This means I am playa bound. My campmates are happy as am I.
The other weirdness, the all over skin irritation / Allergic reaction to something, well that is healing up with a quick and hefty dose of steroids. I hate doing this to myself, but feel like it is necessary at this point. I could not handle two kinds of extreme pain and discomfort. Now I am down to none. I got acupuncture the day after the alcohol injection and the start of the steroid campaign. Mostly to nourish my body. It was a good treatment! My attitude has improved a million fold.
I am going to carry on taking this serrapeptase for pain. I am going to continue taking more Vitamin B complex. I am going to use the homeopathic topical cream for the toe. I am OFF St. John’s Wort and am still not unconvinced that that wasn’t the cause of the skin reaction. And especially since i am going to the hot hot desert, don’t want any St. John’s Wort in my system at all.
These steroids though, boy-oh-boy! i can feel how they make me agitated. And hungry. but anything over excessive itching and weird body rash that hurts and oozes (sorry for the graphics).
And I hula hooped yesterday for 1/2 hour! that is a step in the absolute right direction.
Big fucking YAY!
Tags: Morton's Neuroma, nerve disorder, pain, patience flavors
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August 19th, 2009
Hello,
Wow, you’re so pretty and going through your profile, I found somethings that says we have in common, I have seen sunsets, sunrises, blue oceans, deep seas, lush forests, dense jungles, but nothing – not even these – could compare to the beauty that I see in you. I’m a beautiful hearten guy, who’s in search of his soul mate and intends to find it here on this site, because I’ve heard a ot of success stories. I would love to correspond with you and see if we could work something out. Once again I must say God worked over time creating you. Lets keep in touch with private addresses or yahoo IM. Mine is thomas….
What do you think (audience of none)? Should I go for it?
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August 19th, 2009
Yesterday was a day I gave in to western meds. And that is very difficult for me! But the night before last, the skin rash became exacerbated and I barely slept all night even taking two benadryl in one night due to itching. I woke up freaked out that the rash was going to get as bad as my underarm had been the last week. I called my primary care physician asking for assistance thinking i might actually go to the emergency room for this.
I almost canceled the foot doctor due to the skin rash but instead, I had my third visit with the Podiatrist. I have not been overjoyed with this doctor, Dr. Mah. He has distinctly mis-diagnosed me, not listened to what I have said my symptoms were and has forgotten from visit to visit why I am there (actually noting the bone spur in my heel which is NOT why I am in there at all)
When he walked in, I asked him, “Do you remember why I am here?” He did, He was serious and attentive. Otherwise, I was going to fire his ass! I started in a matter of fact manner, ‘this is what I have been doing, this is what has been happening, no the steroid shot didn’t work at all, yes I have been in an inordinate amount of pain…’ yadda yadda yadda. Then I started to cry. I have been in so much pain and discomfort it is really unfair!
So he gave me an alcohol shot. I have read up on these treatments, here is a link http://www.podiatrychannel.com/mortonneuroma/treatment.shtml. We discussed orthotics and he seems to think that my health plan, Chinese Community Health Plan, will not cover that. So he gave me thicker foot pads and told me where to properly put them on my foot. He also showed me some cheaper orthotics that I can get at Sports Basement or the like in case my insurance does not cover it. He was a better doc today. And I have some old orthotics I think I will pull out and see if they help when I can actually wear shoes again.
Oh and to embrace my current situation, I went to DSW and bought a pair of fancy silver flip flops and some green ones too.
Next the doc called, the primary care physician, Dr. Eric Lim. Well his secretary anyway. I kind of demanded that they just let me go to the dermatologist who was also located down at 450 Sutter, which is where the podiatrist was. With some cajoling, and threatening to go to an Emergency Room, Dr. Lim okay’ed me going directly to the dermatologist. Thank god because I was starting to think that I was the freak of the universe. Dr. Ng looked at my rash, asked me if I had started using any new products. i explained about my St. John’s Wort theory. She seemed to know about that herb and was not convinced. I am still not unconvinced. She put me on a 5-4-3-2-1 regiment of internal steroids. Gave me two topical steroid creams, one for whole body, one for behind ears and underarms. She mentioned that my excema behind my ears might flare up due to the steroids. She also gave me a stronger prescription of benadryl for sleeping. So now I am the Steroidal Woman!
I am feeling better with everything. Sometimes a dose of the western meds is exactly what a body needs. I will likely still try everything herbal first. But I do know when I need to see a doctor. And the aggravated skin was not helping anything I tell you. Today is a new day!
Tags: Add new tag, allergic reaction, Morton's Neuroma, nerve disorder, pain, Steroids
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August 17th, 2009
Never underestimate the contra-indications of an herb.
Herbs are medicine and not meant to be taken lightly (no pun intended)!
I KNOW that the contra-indication for hypericum is sun. I know that to my core. But yesterday, I pushed it and I ended up being a bit too long in the sun while hanging out at Essence Court. It was such a nice sunny day with friends and lovely pancakes and cocktails. I forgot that I really should have only stayed in the shade as I have been taking St. Johns Wort tincture internally and externally.
Today, my skin has a rash over most of my body and it feels paper thin. I remember that Rachel told me that she felt her skin was super sensitive and thin when she was on a regular regime of steroids. Today, I completely understand how she feels.
Now granted, i did get that steroid shot two weeks ago and perhaps I am starting to feel that as well in my skin. But I know this herb has affected me negatively but it is my own damn fault. I have stopped taking the herb until this is cleared up and am waiting for this to go away. It is slightly annoying and I have to remember not to itch b/c when I do, it feels like I am going to scratch my skin off. oy! if it isn’t one thing, it’s another. But really, I have a deep respect for this herb and I will know fully that I cannot take it and be in the sun. That is a big No No for me.
In other health news, something remarkable has shifted for me today with the Neuroma. I don’t know how or why, perhaps it is the serrapeptase sinking in? Perhaps it is all the nothing that I have been doing. Or perhaps the St. John’s Wort and the homeopathic cream have sunk in. Perhaps the st00pid steroid shot finally took affect. I cannot say. But my foot has been wonderfully amazingly painless ALL DAY! I will take that thank you! I want this Neuroma to stabilize so that I can start exercising and functioning again. i do want to go to Burning Man and enjoy my time out there. I am tired of being so freaked out thinking that this is going to be like this forever. Anyway, it makes me immensely happy.
also, the rash under my arm has gotten heaps better. Could be that excema ointment that I got from Lynne, could be it just ran it’s course. It is still sensitive and red but that could just be from the general rash b/c of the hypericum. but I am so relieved that this is on it’s way out too. The body is amazing in it’s capacity to heal.
I was able to enjoy a night out on the beach celebrating the birthdays of dear friends.
Tags: hypericum, Morton's Neuroma, photosensitivity, serrapeptase, St. John's Wort
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August 16th, 2009
Call it aging, call it just a period of time. I dunno. But the last month has been brutal. I have been diagnosed with something called a Morton”s Neuroma and let me tell you, it sucks. It is not something that you want to find yourself stricken with because it strikes you down. I have not been able to think of a single exercise that I can do that is not going to impact this nerve disorder in some way, shape or form. Sit-ups possibly, but not likely. Swimming seems like it should work but knowing (or not knowing) the way that it will affect the nerves, I am hesitant to start. And plus, with the rash under my arm, see way below, I am not going to jump in chlorinated water anytime soon!
I know that I need to become one with this neuroma, but I am having the damnedest time doing this. I am utterly resentful due to my most recent life change and spate of activities. Now in order to stay fit, I just have to eat less calories, and it was so handy to be able to eat as much as I wanted to, and then counteract it with a good hour of hula hooping or walking / running. Now I cannot do that. Call me bitter, I am. But I will not allow the bitterness to overtake my life.
The following is what I have done to take care of and treat this excruciating pain in my foot:
- Got an X-ray
- Went to a Podiatrist
- Got a steroid shot that made my pain level increase.
- Started taking St. John’s Wort (Hypericum) internally (tincture) and applying externally (tincture and oil) 4-5 times daily
- Started applying homeopathic anti-inflammatory healing cream called Topricin 3 times daily
- Applying ice pack as needed.
- Started wearing flip flops
- Stopped exercising
- Stopped doing much of anything
- Found out about this panacea pain reliever called Serrapeptase which is a microrganism made from the silkworm intestine. Supposed to relieve pain quickly and efficiently
- on Tuesday, I go back to the dam Podiatrist for another steroid shot and hopefully some orthodics.
So all of this and I am none worse for the wear. I am not clear that I can go to Burning Man at all. At this point, I cannot imagine myself being out in the desert for a week or more. I think I would rather be home in the creature comforts of my home. But if it improves vastly I might consider it.
There is this surgery called cryosurgery that is specific to this nerve that is located between the third and fourth toe. But this is something that I will consider only if everything else does not work.
And to make matters worse, I have gotten this extreme rash under my left armpit which has exacerbated and i probably really should go to the doctor for. But i am hesitant to do so since I will have to go first to my doc and then (most likely) to a dermatologist. Damn these 2 step process’. Anyway, i am treating that with calendula and then anti itch over the counter ointment. then I got an antifungal herbal spray – but that seemed to irritate it further. I have been applying apple cider vinegar and olive oil, baking soda, and now corn starch. Also I got a cream of calendula, echinecea and comfrey. And my friend gave me a med for excema (which i think it might be since I have it behind my ears). and it is red and angry, but the corn starch seemed to take the itching and a bit of the swelling down. i will consider going to the doc for this one though since it is so so angry.
This is my life this month. Yeehawwww!
: (
Tags: Morton's Neuroma, nerve disorder, pain, sad
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June 10th, 2009
So, as some of you know, I was diagnosed with ridiculously high cholesterol (the bad kind) and my doc told me that he was gonna put me on meds if that didn’t change. YUCK – O
Me – Not big on the western meds thing. AT ALL! will try herbal remedies for AnyTHING before going to a doctor and getting meds. I am not 100% against meds, just for me. I have had a pretty pure life from prescribed medicine.
So since Friday, April 10 (wow! 2 months) I have been super conscientious about what I am putting in my body and have escalated the exercise regime.
I am logging in calories (which I have NEVER done before)
Counting my cholesterol on a daily basis
Understanding how exercise interacts with diet and calorie intake
Ramping up the heavy cardio
and Now! I look forward to challenging myself on the exercise level. Bringing up the hooping to 45 minutes. Also adding running into the walk on Bernal hill (downhill)
Since that date, I have gone through extreme heartache, the worst birthday ever, Loneliness, depression, hope, despair, life, re-evaluation, lots of alone time.
But still the one solid thing besides work has been the absolute consideration of what I am putting in my body and how I am treating my body. It is amazing.
I have not lost a noticeable amount of weight to many others, but to myself, I am seeing grand changes. Have been hula hooping with the crazy hoop of doom (leaves bruises and hurts) but am now adjusting to its weight and it’s nubby nobs. Theoretically, these nubs are supposed to be hitting pressure points
~AND~
Taking inches off my waist!
Shazam, it is happening.
I will fit nicely into that bridesmaid’s dress at the end of this month!
I will get another blood panel and my cholesterol will go down (fingers and toes Xed)
I have made a permanent life change and this is going to stay with me for years to come
I am eating almost vegan and enjoying it.
I am super proud of myself for taking this health scare and turning my life around even in the face of devastating heartbreak.
Yay me!
Tags: health weight
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June 6th, 2009
and made a comment. The only comment that I have yet received on this blog.
Sad, but true. And I knew her. But I don’t care about her. If she existed or not, I do not care. She has had nothing but negative impact in my world, and she wanted something from me. Well FUCK HER!
I cannot tell you how much time I spent wishing she never existed. I cannot tell you how much anger and rage I had when i even thought of her. She used to be an acquaintance and now I could not give a shit about whether she lived or died, never mind that she wanted information from me.
She is a computer savvy bitch. So not only did she leave a comment here (how did she find this?), trying to get my sympathy, trying to get information from me, but she left a message in Youtubes! can you believe it? I never even really knew that I could get messages on youtube. She was rather insistent on Facebook and believe you me, she is not my friend on that site. Is there a feature on FB where you can block people from even messaging you? She sent me an email and said that she called. Granted, she had that information at some point legitimately. Anywhere else? I guess that might be all.
Anyway, it makes me feel more sympathetic towards my most recent ex. I think that if she tried to contact me as much as she did, even after I asked her not to, then she probably was crazy with him in similar and opposite ways. Granted, he has his faults, that is why I am no longer with him. But I feel more compassion for him. I felt that for a few days, this insistence beyond logic, her own validation for being able to proceed with me as she did, how did she deal with him? I mean, if you read any of my blogs the last one, or any others, you would know that I was devastated and sad about the break up. I was heartbroken. I wasn’t running away from the situation. I wanted to be with W but he couldn’t be with me b/c he was too damaged by whatever abuses and neglect that she threw his way. Ugh! what a bitch!
And I am SOOOooooooooo thankful that this was not two or three weeks ago. I do not know how I would have dealt with it then. Insult to injury I say. For now, I feel stronger in my decision. For now I feel less heartbroken. So it came at a time when I could be less angry, less irate, less devastated. Obviously it still makes me angry. But i can just chalk it up to crazy behavior, bad drama that is not mine.
alas, I am moving on.
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May 30th, 2009
Since W and i ended our relationship.
It is also one month since my birthday which is when I decided that I could not be in a relationship that seemed to have no serious potential since this person could not celebrate me in any worthy kind of manner.
Last month my heart sunk everyday. I was really truly sad and grieving for what I thought could have been a great relationship. I asked my therapist the other day, “Do you think I only saw what I wanted to see and that I was not able to read the signs correctly?”
She brought up the concept of ‘lamplighting’ which is from a Hitchcock movie where Ingrid Bergman notices the lamps flickering and asks her lover who says no, he does not notice, only he is deliberately doing this to her (what is this film?)
She said I should not second guess my self on this one. There were lots of signs that this relationship was progressing in a positive and hopeful way.
When W felt too.. whatever (“Insert adjective here”), Ling said it was like he held out some imaginary contract that I had apparently signed that said he never said he was available and made this transparent to me from the beginning of our relationship. He bailed, the wimp.
Anyway, I feel that a month is enough time for me to grieve and feel hopeless and sad and alone and distressed and depressed. I am ready to move on.
and so I am…
It feels great actually. I still have sadness about a relationship failing, but I am ready to pull up my bootstraps and start again. I am ready to flirt and enjoy people and have a blast.
And i am leaving shortly with lots of friends for a blow out bachelor/bachelorette party that i am immensely happy to be such an integral part of. and I am super glad that I will not be caretaking a depressed and pessimistic person for any part of it.
And I have a date with a new person on Tuesday. Yes, this is change. This is what I am about.
Thanks for reading!
Tags: change hope
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