Stimulating Bunk

I see you. I see me, I see everything. I am such an intuitive person that I can see even the things I don’t want to see.  This makes me a visionary even. I see this as an art and a science only I cannot necessarily control it.  Currently, in my own life, I like what I am seeing.  I like the things that I am choosing.  I like the people that I am connecting with.  I like how I am around this all, the constant state of flux in my life.

I think the only downside of being so adept at seeing things is when you can see the negativity and the possible outcomes that you might not like.  Currently one of my goals is to pay heed to this aspect, to not allow myself to ‘go for’ the things that are simultaneously giving me messages such as, ‘this is not good for you Leslie’.  Lord knows i have done that enough in my life.

Getting involved with W was a prime example.  and J before that.  I knew that these relationships would never satisfy me in the long run, ever.  But I did them, was complicit in participating in them.  I was wearing blinders to the visionary part of myself.  I was being unfair to myself.  Right now what I do like is that I am in conversation (you might say) with myself.  In a rather constructive on-going dialogue where I am willing to ask myself the hard questions.  Willing to let go of things that are screaming out with red flags waving all around.  I also have my Ling, my wonder woman, to report to, to get feedback from, to see if I am missing the mark in anyway.  To challenge what I seem to think about/know is real.

I am very happy these days, in company of others and on my own.

Hello,
Wow, you’re so pretty and going through your profile, I found somethings that says we have in common, I have seen sunsets, sunrises, blue oceans, deep seas, lush forests, dense jungles, but nothing – not even these – could compare to the beauty that I see in you. I’m a beautiful hearten guy, who’s in search of his soul mate and intends to find it here on this site, because I’ve heard a ot of success stories. I would love to correspond with you and see if we could work something out. Once again I must say God worked over time creating you. Lets keep in touch with private addresses or yahoo IM. Mine is thomas….

What do you think (audience of none)?  Should I go for it?

and made a comment.  The only comment that I have yet received on this blog.

Sad, but true.  And I knew her.  But I don’t care about her.  If she existed or not, I do not care.  She has had nothing but negative impact in my world, and she wanted something from me.  Well FUCK HER!

I cannot tell you how much time I spent wishing she never existed.  I cannot tell you how much anger and rage I had when i even thought of her.  She used to be an acquaintance and now I could not give a shit about whether she lived or died, never mind that she wanted information from me.

She is a computer savvy bitch.  So not only did she leave a comment here (how did she find this?), trying to get my sympathy, trying to get information from me, but she left a message in Youtubes!  can you believe it?  I never even really knew that I could get messages on youtube.  She was rather insistent on Facebook and believe you me, she is not my friend on that site.  Is there a feature on FB where you can block people from even messaging you?  She sent me an email and said that she called.  Granted, she had that information at some point legitimately.  Anywhere else?  I guess that might be all.

Anyway, it makes me feel more sympathetic towards my most recent ex.  I think that if she tried to contact me as much as she did, even after I asked her not to, then she probably was crazy with him in similar and opposite ways.  Granted, he has his faults, that is why I am no longer with him.  But I feel more compassion for him.  I felt that for a few days, this  insistence beyond logic, her own validation for being able to proceed with me as she did, how did she deal with him?  I mean, if you read any of my blogs the last one, or any others, you would know that I was devastated and sad about the break up.  I was heartbroken.  I wasn’t running away from the situation.  I wanted to be with W but he couldn’t be with me b/c he was too damaged by whatever abuses and neglect that she threw his way.  Ugh!  what a bitch!

And I am SOOOooooooooo thankful that this was not two or three weeks ago.  I do not know how I would have dealt with it then.  Insult to injury I say.  For now, I feel stronger in my decision.  For now I feel less heartbroken.  So it came at a time when I could be less angry, less irate, less devastated.  Obviously it still makes me angry.  But i can just chalk it up to crazy behavior, bad drama that is not mine.

alas, I am moving on.

Word of the Day for Thursday, May 28, 2009

avoirdupois \av-uhr-duh-POIZ; AV-uhr-duh-poiz\, noun:

1. Avoirdupois weight, a system of weights based on a pound containing 16 ounces or 7,000 grains (453.59 grams).
2. Weight; heaviness; as, a person of much avoirdupois.

Apropos of everything, I am losing the person who carried so much avoirdupois in my life.  It has not been easy, it has been a huge struggle.  My heart has sunk, I thought I would never be the same.  But now I am untangling my heart and starting to feel a shift and a lightess.

*big huge sigh*

~it sucks being so grown up sometimes~

Word of the Day for Friday, May 8, 2009 – but shall use for today

aliment \AL-uh-muhnt\, noun:

1. Something that nourishes or feeds; nutriment.
2. Something that sustains a state of mind or body; sustenance.
3. To give nourishment to; to nourish or sustain.

I am working on installing proper ‘aliment’ into my life currently. I see very clearly now that I am what they say, co-dependent and have no ability to employ ‘aliment’ for myself and my own needs when I am in a dysfunctional relationship. But this has just got to change. I have dreams hopes and desires and it is never healthy when I put them aside in hopes that what is before me at the moment takes up all my energy and vision.

I try to squish and maneuver a round peg into a square pole. I suppose a positive aspect of my personality is that I see the possibilities and am incredibly hopeful. However, it can be doom for an optimist when dealing with a person or a relationship that clearly has major limitations. Like my last relationship. It was pleasing sensually. It filled a need for a short amount of time. I saw hope where perhaps there was so little. I decided not to pay heed to the warning signs until, well, my birthday.
This person was not capable of being able to put aside his own woes and make my birthday a special day. To be fair, I suppose he tried. But trying for him was a half assed attempt filled with panic and anxiety that was ever apparent. This will not do.
I consider that my actions were a revolt to the status quo that had been set up in less than 6 months. I was like a big crying, albeit screaming baby that was not ever going to get her bottle and I just flipped out and screamed NO!

I see now that this behavior was me telling myself to bail on the situation. I am not super proud of how I behaved. However, I am proud of myself for getting out of this relationship sooner than later. It wasn’t bad, it was even really good (which of course makes it emotionally unbearable at moments). But the truth of the whole damn matter is that I was NEVER going to get my needs met. Too much emotional baggage, too much divorce (not mine) in my face. Too much sadness and pessimism and depression and anxiety to sustain any possibility or hope.

So while i am sad indeed, and feel lonely and slightly despairing, I will be ‘munificent’ (today’s word of the day) with myself and proceed forward like the hopeful and inspired person that I am.

I have been hanging out with friends a LOT which is wonderful and healing. I have actually not been as deeply morose and sad as one could imagine that I might be for a person who is falling out of love.
I have a heart. It feels deeply and knows how to love. I understand that I gave it my all and for that I am proud. Now just to direct that love towards a relationship that is more appropriate is the next step. I suppose ‘apropos’ might be the random

So if you are anything like me, well you have your doubts and hesitations about adding people from former parts of your life into the mix of your current life. Tribe was so simple for me. There was very little mixing of parts of my life. No need to compartmentalize. All my friends on tribe, barring a few, were current in my social life, they basically knew who I am currently and seemed to accept all that I was be it kinky or sassy or weird or silly. It was simple. I could just be myself.

Facebook comes on the scene and suddenly my brothers girlfriend from high school wants to be my friend. She was never a choice for a friend in my life. I never would have even known her if it weren’t for my brother wanting to know her. Unfortunately, a similar thing can be said about one of my sisters, I wouldn’t want to know her if she weren’t my sister. She is not a facebook friend anyway so she is not the issue. Nor is it my brothers exgirl friend.

The issue at hand that I want to discuss are some really humorous situations that have occurred since I have reconnected with people who have disappeared from my life for some very obvious reasons.

Take my ex boyfriend Scot, whom I dated from age 20 to 26 or so. We were a strange pairing and half of that time we lived across the country from each other. Why were we together for so long? Hard to say. Perhaps it was love, more likely financial convenience. And possibly more likely still, we both treasured a gypsy lifestyle at the time. So we took many trips X country making money at concerts and trade shows etc.

But I stray from the more interesting material for your reading pleasure. We became friends on Facebook about 6 months ago. At first it was titillating, thinking about being friends again after so many years of no contact. That titillation wore off pretty fast when I assessed his current spiritual leanings; he is a born again Catholic. I think I knew that but those are one of those things that you just wish would be a phase for anyone. Anyway, he started saying random things in my threads that were bible related and you know what? I was super embarrassed. It was enough that I knew he had ‘got god’ and all. But that he was infiltrating his religious views into my facebook threads was absolutely humiliating.

One day, Scot got on Facebook chat with me and decided that it was time to ask for my forgiveness. I guess he is in a 12 step program or perhaps this is one of the things you do as a Catholic. I don’t know, perhaps the readers can enlighten me on this. So I was curious and asked him what he needed to apologize for. He is a horrific speller and you need a manual just to figure out what the guy is saying.

Here is some of what he wrote:
which remindes me i am forever indepted to you and owe you a never end appoligy
4:42pmLeslie – what do you mean?
4:42pmScot – i relized sometime back that i missmanaged my stress and acted it out on those around me
i love you youare a major part of my life i respect you and i have felt i should take reponsibility for thewrongs ive done. course i cant remeber them, but i know there there

So I quickly got on IM Chat with my kinky and weird friend Miles, whom I adore, and was like, “this old ex from like the late 80′s is getting all confessional on me on facebook”
I have all the transcripts of my conversation with Miles b/c Adium is so kind and keeps all this information available.

So as I am waiting a painstakingly long time for Scot to type out his sins to me, I am chatting with Miles and conversation goes in a direction that it commonly heads, sex, kink, bdsm etc. Silly fun stuff.
And meanwhile, here is this ex boyfriend who is {I guess} authentically apologizing for having wronged me and I am just thinking, “This is my life, right here before me, the past and the present”

I will take the present anyday.

More on Scot in another post.

I am thinking of doors, some closing – others opening.  I feel pretty open to new doors for the trajectory of my life.  I am feeling a more mild me emerging.  A more domestic self.  In fact I want to be home right now, doing what I do at home.  instead I am exploring the vastness of the interwebs and attempting to capture my life through images and words.  Giving the inner contemplative voice an opening.

This is really good for me right now.  I think I just need a way to merge the multitude of interests that I have in life.  A way to make me feel complet and whole.  That to me is the epitome of one door closing and a new door opening, full cycle

Okay I got it!  This is fully working now.

Walter took this pic of me at Mission Beach Cafe which is a restaurant that I love in SF.  I am happy in this picture and then I was put into a fishbowl!  What else could a girl possibly need?  Now I feel complete.

Oh happy day!