Archive for the ‘Personal’ Category

My thoughts on Marcus.

Wednesday, March 24th, 2010

marcus & leslie I forgot that I have a regular place to post things that I think and feel and know.  So here I am, months later, and how am I doing?  Well in this picture I was quite happy with my sweet Marcus.  We were out at Baker Beach in SF and it was a glorious spring day.  Marcus was being kind of wishy washy with my about coming out there and I had not even invited him.  I was feeling rather frustrated with him and the situation and was kind of thinking about toning things down as I have felt a bit disillusioned with things as they are have been.  But then he showed up anyway and we had a lovely few hours out there at Baker Beach.  And I really like this picture even thought it only shows part of both of us.  But we both look super happy and content.  and we were naked, and I feel really comfortable around my sweet Marcus.

I really with things were different than they were.  I really wish that I felt differently about the situation, more accepting.  I wish I didn’t want more than what the situation could offer.  I wish that I was just content with what was.  There are moments when I am but also moments of discontent.  Alas, that is how it is with my sweet Marcus.  Oh but i am so attracted to him and his physical beauty.  I am also really attracted to his personality.  I like how kind and sweet he is.  A bit naive, and a bit grown up.  I like us together, how sweet and loving that we have always been.  I also like the grrrr factor that we have sexually.  I really love that.  I wish that we had more time to explore each other sexually.  I wish we had more time.

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Today Marks One Month in Time

Saturday, May 30th, 2009

Since W and i ended our relationship.

It is also one month since my birthday which is when I decided that I could not be in a relationship that seemed to have no serious potential since this person could not celebrate me in any worthy kind of manner.

Last month my heart sunk everyday. I was really truly sad and grieving for what I thought could have been a great relationship. I asked my therapist the other day, “Do you think I only saw what I wanted to see and that I was not able to read the signs correctly?”
She brought up the concept of ‘lamplighting’ which is from a Hitchcock movie where Ingrid Bergman notices the lamps flickering and asks her lover who says no, he does not notice, only he is deliberately doing this to her (what is this film?)
She said I should not second guess my self on this one. There were lots of signs that this relationship was progressing in a positive and hopeful way.
When W felt too.. whatever (“Insert adjective here”), Ling said it was like he held out some imaginary contract that I had apparently signed that said he never said he was available and made this transparent to me from the beginning of our relationship. He bailed, the wimp.

Anyway, I feel that a month is enough time for me to grieve and feel hopeless and sad and alone and distressed and depressed. I am ready to move on.

and so I am…

It feels great actually. I still have sadness about a relationship failing, but I am ready to pull up my bootstraps and start again. I am ready to flirt and enjoy people and have a blast.

And i am leaving shortly with lots of friends for a blow out bachelor/bachelorette party that i am immensely happy to be such an integral part of. and I am super glad that I will not be caretaking a depressed and pessimistic person for any part of it.

And I have a date with a new person on Tuesday. Yes, this is change. This is what I am about.

Thanks for reading!

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today

Wednesday, May 27th, 2009

I am going to think positively. I am going to remember the concept ‘HOPE’. I am going to trust myself to the core. Today.

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Equanimity

Sunday, May 24th, 2009

Word of the Day for Saturday, May 23, 2009
equanimity \ee-kwuh-NIM-uh-tee; ek-wuh-\, noun:
Evenness of mind; calmness; composure; as, “to bear misfortunes with equanimity.”

Working towards equanimity can be a really difficult challenge, especially when one has an obsessive streak in their thinking.  When something doesn’t make sense to me, my mind works it over in many different ways and sometimes in the same exact way, to try and figure things out.  This is a very tedious process!

tediousI am sort of thinking that I need to figure out how to stop this obsessive thinking.  I don’t like the way it makes me feel at all.  It feels like it eats up a lot of my energy.  I feel like it is a little uncontrollable, and counterproductive.  It feels like being so angry and upset is appropriate and yet I want it gone.  I want to think wonderful and positive things and think that it might be possible to hope and imagine good things for the future again.  This is what I want.

But I guess that this is the process that I must go through in order to get to the place that I can think/dream/hope/love again.  I feel so used.  I feel so taken advantage of.  I feel so stupid for allowing myself to get in this situation.  I know Ling, that is the most counter productive of all thinking possible, but it is indeed how I feel at moments.

Feel Leslie, Feel it all.  You loved.  I loved, I gave it 100 percent.  I did what a person would do thinking that there was a chance.  Thinking hopeful things for this potential of a relationship.  Perhaps he did give me plenty of warning signs and I did not heed them.  Perhaps I really saw what I wanted to see.

But Ling is my witnesss.  I was seen.  The process was moving in a positive and hopeful direction.  I was not completely out of balance  balanceI had hope.  I was not wrong for believing.  I can never be wrong for believing in something.   I want love and deserve it.  I am able to give so much love.  I am able to receive it.  I am a normal functioning person that found myself in a rather non functional situation.  I tried to trick myself into thinking that it was going to work.  It was never going to work.  I need to just let it go.  Eventually I will not be feeling so crap about this.  But if I need to feel this crappy and this taken, and this angry and bitter, that is what I guess that I need to feel.  I may not like it but it is what is.

I know that I was feeling somehow evil or wrong for being so angry.  I was feeling like people might judge me.  I think I was thinking about this because I was carrying over some of W’s shit about anger and how he obviously either has issues with it or just cannot deal with it.  Anyway, I have gotten indications from people that feeling angry is actually appropriate.  So, I will let myself feel pissed off!

But  I know also that there are times when I feel okay, and know that I made a great decision.  And I AM so proud of myself for sticking with it now.  Not returning to the same place again, not knocking my head against the same wall.  This time I know that for my sanity, it needs to be done.  DONE!

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Wednesday, February 18th, 2009

This is me on the right.  Below this text is myMe

14 yo niece Lindsay.  She is 1 of a triplet.

She is young and exuberant, beautiful and

full of promise and energy.  They are prepping

Her to be a SuperModel.  I don’t know what

Lindsay

I think about this.

Quite frankly, I do know how I feel.  I am

worried.  I am disturbed.  I wonder if this will

do harsh things to her personality.  I wonder if

she will develop poor body image issues, if she

will get hugely pompous and a false sense of importance.  I think that supermodels cannot help but base their whole lifes value on their looks.  How can they possibly escape this?  I do not know Lindsay to well.  I have spent way too little time with the triplets, my brother and his wife.  Bit I want to spend time with them.  I want to know Lindsay, before she becomes world famous.  I want to see her childlike innocence before she becomes jaded.  i guess that I am convinced that this is the inevitable.

Do we look alike?  I query.  I answer, NO.

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Patience…

Monday, February 16th, 2009

I am learning patience.  My life right now is pretty much about looking at the pace in which I expect things to happen for me.  I want things now, I do not care to wait.  I assume that waiting means No.  I find it difficult to take the time to breathe and enjoy all that it takes, whatever the process may be, to get to the next step.

I do not like that about myself.   I want to slow down and sip the fine flavors of life.  So this is what I am trying to do.  It is taking a lot to retrain myself to do this.  My tendency is to be hyper and chase the moment, or to be extremely lazy and non-productive.

Sigh…  I am learning.

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testing

Wednesday, January 7th, 2009

test, this is just a test.  I am testing myself to see if i can really keep a proper blog going. I want to make this page be one of the pages that I obsessively refer to.  But before I can share this with a lot of people, I have to make sure that I can keep this somewhat private where it needs to be, and public in other arenas.  I want commentary.  I welcome it.  I have developed a small following on other blogs.  I think that Tribe had my strongest following.

blahblah I have been using Live Journal more effectively

These days and seem to have more commentary.

What can I say, I like when people think what I

have to say is interesting.

Blahblahblahblahblahblah blah blah…….

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