Since W and i ended our relationship.
It is also one month since my birthday which is when I decided that I could not be in a relationship that seemed to have no serious potential since this person could not celebrate me in any worthy kind of manner.
Last month my heart sunk everyday. I was really truly sad and grieving for what I thought could have been a great relationship. I asked my therapist the other day, “Do you think I only saw what I wanted to see and that I was not able to read the signs correctly?”
She brought up the concept of ‘lamplighting’ which is from a Hitchcock movie where Ingrid Bergman notices the lamps flickering and asks her lover who says no, he does not notice, only he is deliberately doing this to her (what is this film?)
She said I should not second guess my self on this one. There were lots of signs that this relationship was progressing in a positive and hopeful way.
When W felt too.. whatever (“Insert adjective here”), Ling said it was like he held out some imaginary contract that I had apparently signed that said he never said he was available and made this transparent to me from the beginning of our relationship. He bailed, the wimp.
Anyway, I feel that a month is enough time for me to grieve and feel hopeless and sad and alone and distressed and depressed. I am ready to move on.
and so I am…
It feels great actually. I still have sadness about a relationship failing, but I am ready to pull up my bootstraps and start again. I am ready to flirt and enjoy people and have a blast.
And i am leaving shortly with lots of friends for a blow out bachelor/bachelorette party that i am immensely happy to be such an integral part of. and I am super glad that I will not be caretaking a depressed and pessimistic person for any part of it.
And I have a date with a new person on Tuesday. Yes, this is change. This is what I am about.
Thanks for reading!
Tags: change hope