Word of the Day for Saturday, May 23, 2009
equanimity \ee-kwuh-NIM-uh-tee; ek-wuh-\, noun:
Evenness of mind; calmness; composure; as, “to bear misfortunes with equanimity.”
Working towards equanimity can be a really difficult challenge, especially when one has an obsessive streak in their thinking. When something doesn’t make sense to me, my mind works it over in many different ways and sometimes in the same exact way, to try and figure things out. This is a very tedious process!
I am sort of thinking that I need to figure out how to stop this obsessive thinking. I don’t like the way it makes me feel at all. It feels like it eats up a lot of my energy. I feel like it is a little uncontrollable, and counterproductive. It feels like being so angry and upset is appropriate and yet I want it gone. I want to think wonderful and positive things and think that it might be possible to hope and imagine good things for the future again. This is what I want.
But I guess that this is the process that I must go through in order to get to the place that I can think/dream/hope/love again. I feel so used. I feel so taken advantage of. I feel so stupid for allowing myself to get in this situation. I know Ling, that is the most counter productive of all thinking possible, but it is indeed how I feel at moments.
Feel Leslie, Feel it all. You loved. I loved, I gave it 100 percent. I did what a person would do thinking that there was a chance. Thinking hopeful things for this potential of a relationship. Perhaps he did give me plenty of warning signs and I did not heed them. Perhaps I really saw what I wanted to see.
But Ling is my witnesss. I was seen. The process was moving in a positive and hopeful direction. I was not completely out of balance 
I had hope. I was not wrong for believing. I can never be wrong for believing in something. I want love and deserve it. I am able to give so much love. I am able to receive it. I am a normal functioning person that found myself in a rather non functional situation. I tried to trick myself into thinking that it was going to work. It was never going to work. I need to just let it go. Eventually I will not be feeling so crap about this. But if I need to feel this crappy and this taken, and this angry and bitter, that is what I guess that I need to feel. I may not like it but it is what is.
I know that I was feeling somehow evil or wrong for being so angry. I was feeling like people might judge me. I think I was thinking about this because I was carrying over some of W’s shit about anger and how he obviously either has issues with it or just cannot deal with it. Anyway, I have gotten indications from people that feeling angry is actually appropriate. So, I will let myself feel pissed off!
But I know also that there are times when I feel okay, and know that I made a great decision. And I AM so proud of myself for sticking with it now. Not returning to the same place again, not knocking my head against the same wall. This time I know that for my sanity, it needs to be done. DONE!
